Heartbreak

So last year in this blog I stated how I'd always been against marriage, but had finally decided that maybe someday I would like to get married. Well, I thought I had found "the one". I started dating a guy from work March, 2008. This was a guy that I had never pictured myself dating. Ever. I always thought he was good looking, but he just wasn't my type. He didn't have the greatest reputation and he was 5 1/2 years younger than me and kind of wild. Out the blue he asked me on a date. I thought he was joking so I laughed at him and said, "Seriously?" That kind of hurt his feelings. I seriously thought he was joking! Not many people have asked me on dates. Well, on our first date (dinner and movie at my house) I was pleasantly surprised. He was so polite and was very mannerly. He actually took his hat off when he came in the house. I'd never dated anybody that had done that before.

Things seemed to really "click" and our relationship took off. By September he had slowly started moving some of his stuff into my house (clothes, etc.). I hadn't asked him to and neither of us had really discussed living together, it just kind of happened. I liked it. I liked being able to cook for three instead of just me and a kid (picky eater). (I actually started cooking real meals almost every night. ) I liked doing more laundry. I liked having an adult to talk to. I liked having someone next to me at night. I liked waking up and being happy because he was there. I liked snuggling on the couch to watch T.V. or a movie. I liked it all. Okay...I LOVED it all! It felt like I had a family. I'm not saying it doesn't feel like a family with just Pacen and I, but things felt "whole" with Kurtis around.

This relationship is what really made me decide I wanted to be married someday. To him. I fell head-over-heels in love. I thought he loved me too. A few weeks ago, out of the blue, he told me things were moving too fast for him and he was going to start staying at his house again. That was very hard for me...not seeing him every day and not having him next to me at night. Things have slowly gone down hill the past three weeks and it really plummeted this past weekend. Finally on Sunday he made a decision. He decided he doesn't know what he wants and he doesn't want to lead me on so he broke up with me. He says he cares for me, but he's just not in the same place I am. He still wants to be friends, which I'm willing to do because I don't want to completely lose him, but it is going to be extremely hard for me.

Last night Kurtis came over and got all his stuff. That was so hard. Even though I have tons of stuff my house feels so empty without his things there. After he left I did okay until Pacen went to bed and then the emptiness and loneliness really hit me. I had nobody to sit and talk with...nobody to watch T.V. with...nobody to snuggle with. Yes, I have friends and sisters, but it's not the same.

I'm depressed, lost, lonely, hurt, numb, and sick over the whole thing. I finally give my whole heart to someone and it gets broke into a trillion little pieces. I know over time I'll be able to move on, but it is going to take quite a while. Every time I see him with another woman my heart will break just a little more. It is not going to be easy by any means. This is probably the hardest thing I've ever had to deal with. Yes, I've dealt with breakups before and, yes, I thought a couple of them were painful, but none of them compares to this because this is the first time I have actually been in love. Why do humans have to have something so fragile as a "heart"? I just want to be able to take mine out right now so I don't have to feel the pain.

I'm going to try to occupy my mind with things so I don't always think about Kurtis and what could have been. I have a bucket list and I'm going to try to start marking more and more things off that list. I know those things won't heal me, but they may be able to help me cope with this awful experience. Who knows, maybe Kurtis is actually "the one" and he'll come to realize that, but if not, then I need to be able to move on. I know I'm not the first person to ever have their heart shattered (I know that I may have shattered at least one), but right now...experiencing it first hand...I feel like I'm the only one. I HATE it.

How can things go from this to what I'm feeling right now?

"You will never know true happiness until you have truly loved, and you will never understand what pain really is until you have lost it." ~ Anonymous

"Nothing hurts more than realizing they meant everything to you, but you meant nothing to them." ~ Anonymous

"You know it's love when all you want is that person to be happy, even if you're not part of their happiness." ~ Julia Roberts

"It's funny how someone can break your heart and you can still love them with all the little pieces." ~ Anonymous

True Love

I have never really been a big fan of marriage. Yeah, yeah, when I was a little girl I dreamed of the day I would marry that perfect man in a perfect ceremony wearing the perfect dress, but I grew up and the realizations of marriage came crashing down. It seemed like everywhere I turned people were getting divorces, someone was cheating on their "significant other", etc. After seeing many of those situations I decided I wanted nothing to do with marriage. All I could think was, "What's the point? A majority of people now days are divorcee's or headed in that direction and I don't want to end up like that." I knew that not all marriages were that bad off and I also knew that it wasn't necessarily destined to happen to me, but why take the chance? The last thing I want is to end up as a statistic.

So, I have been living my adult life pretty much avoiding marriage. I was engaged once, right out of high school, but I ended that relationship 1 1/2 years and one baby later. I was only 19...what did I know about love? Since then I have been in a few relationships (a couple have been fairly serious), but I managed to keep them more on the casual side of things.

OK, so you're probably wondering where the heck I'm going with this. Well, at the beginning of the month some friends of mine renewed their vows. They have been married for some 20 odd years (I'm thinking 22, but I can't remember for sure...terrible memory). Anyway, it is quite unusual this day in age to find a couple who has been married for more than 20 years (there are the old couples who have been married for 40 years or more, but I'm talking couples who were married within the last 30 years, not 60-70). My friends are obviously still very much in love with each other and it's just so awesome!

After watching my friends renew their vows, I decided that maybe marriage isn't so bad after all. No, I'm not going to go out and get married right away, but now I wouldn't mind finding my true love and settling down. I wouldn't mind finding that perfect man...the one who will still have love in his eyes when he looks at me after 20, 30, 40, 50, or even 60 years of marriage, the one who will make my heart skip a beat every time I see him (or almost every time), the one who wants to spend the rest of his life with me and who I want to spend the rest of my life with.

My mom always told me I just haven't found the right guy yet, and now I know she's right. I'm still going to be cautious with any relationship I find myself in and, who knows, maybe "Mr. Right" will come along (maybe I've already found him and just haven't realized it). If so, then great, if not, then... whatever.

Here are some pictures of the vow renewal...just look at how in love they are. They were definitely meant for each other. Oh, and yes, they are Irish. :)
"Love is energy: it can neither be created nor destroyed. It just is and always will be, giving meaning to life and direction to goodness...Love will never die." ~ Bryce Courtney

"True love is eternal, infinite, and always like itself. It is equal and pure, without violent demonstrations; it is seen with white hairs and is always young in the heart." ~ Honore de Balzac