My boy...

...in all his animal/bug catching glory. If it crawls, slithers, swims, jumps, etc. then it better watch out because Pacen is sure to catch it. He's my little "Steve Irwin". Honestly, I wouldn't be surprised if someday he is just like Steve.





I had to post this picture just because I love it! For once he is actually smiling for real instead of doing the "Chandler smile".


"A perfect summer day to a little boy means, a scrape on the knee, mud on his face, and collecting bugs in the garden." ~ unknown

Heartbreak

So last year in this blog I stated how I'd always been against marriage, but had finally decided that maybe someday I would like to get married. Well, I thought I had found "the one". I started dating a guy from work March, 2008. This was a guy that I had never pictured myself dating. Ever. I always thought he was good looking, but he just wasn't my type. He didn't have the greatest reputation and he was 5 1/2 years younger than me and kind of wild. Out the blue he asked me on a date. I thought he was joking so I laughed at him and said, "Seriously?" That kind of hurt his feelings. I seriously thought he was joking! Not many people have asked me on dates. Well, on our first date (dinner and movie at my house) I was pleasantly surprised. He was so polite and was very mannerly. He actually took his hat off when he came in the house. I'd never dated anybody that had done that before.

Things seemed to really "click" and our relationship took off. By September he had slowly started moving some of his stuff into my house (clothes, etc.). I hadn't asked him to and neither of us had really discussed living together, it just kind of happened. I liked it. I liked being able to cook for three instead of just me and a kid (picky eater). (I actually started cooking real meals almost every night. ) I liked doing more laundry. I liked having an adult to talk to. I liked having someone next to me at night. I liked waking up and being happy because he was there. I liked snuggling on the couch to watch T.V. or a movie. I liked it all. Okay...I LOVED it all! It felt like I had a family. I'm not saying it doesn't feel like a family with just Pacen and I, but things felt "whole" with Kurtis around.

This relationship is what really made me decide I wanted to be married someday. To him. I fell head-over-heels in love. I thought he loved me too. A few weeks ago, out of the blue, he told me things were moving too fast for him and he was going to start staying at his house again. That was very hard for me...not seeing him every day and not having him next to me at night. Things have slowly gone down hill the past three weeks and it really plummeted this past weekend. Finally on Sunday he made a decision. He decided he doesn't know what he wants and he doesn't want to lead me on so he broke up with me. He says he cares for me, but he's just not in the same place I am. He still wants to be friends, which I'm willing to do because I don't want to completely lose him, but it is going to be extremely hard for me.

Last night Kurtis came over and got all his stuff. That was so hard. Even though I have tons of stuff my house feels so empty without his things there. After he left I did okay until Pacen went to bed and then the emptiness and loneliness really hit me. I had nobody to sit and talk with...nobody to watch T.V. with...nobody to snuggle with. Yes, I have friends and sisters, but it's not the same.

I'm depressed, lost, lonely, hurt, numb, and sick over the whole thing. I finally give my whole heart to someone and it gets broke into a trillion little pieces. I know over time I'll be able to move on, but it is going to take quite a while. Every time I see him with another woman my heart will break just a little more. It is not going to be easy by any means. This is probably the hardest thing I've ever had to deal with. Yes, I've dealt with breakups before and, yes, I thought a couple of them were painful, but none of them compares to this because this is the first time I have actually been in love. Why do humans have to have something so fragile as a "heart"? I just want to be able to take mine out right now so I don't have to feel the pain.

I'm going to try to occupy my mind with things so I don't always think about Kurtis and what could have been. I have a bucket list and I'm going to try to start marking more and more things off that list. I know those things won't heal me, but they may be able to help me cope with this awful experience. Who knows, maybe Kurtis is actually "the one" and he'll come to realize that, but if not, then I need to be able to move on. I know I'm not the first person to ever have their heart shattered (I know that I may have shattered at least one), but right now...experiencing it first hand...I feel like I'm the only one. I HATE it.

How can things go from this to what I'm feeling right now?

"You will never know true happiness until you have truly loved, and you will never understand what pain really is until you have lost it." ~ Anonymous

"Nothing hurts more than realizing they meant everything to you, but you meant nothing to them." ~ Anonymous

"You know it's love when all you want is that person to be happy, even if you're not part of their happiness." ~ Julia Roberts

"It's funny how someone can break your heart and you can still love them with all the little pieces." ~ Anonymous

Cooking and Baking and More Cooking and More Baking and Tons of Dirty Dishes!

Since Pacen was sick today and I stayed home to be with him, I decided to pass the time by cooking and baking. I cooked and baked ALL afternoon and I am wiped out! I started out by baking some breakfast burritos. They can be froze and re-heated in a microwave for a quick breakfast. Next I baked a chocolate cake, Buttercream Frosting, and some Sugar Donut Muffins. I finished off the afternoon by cooking a meatball sub casserole. Whew!

Breakfast Burritos

12 eggs, beaten
1 lb. bulk sausage, cooked
1/2 cup chunky salsa
2 cups cheddar cheese, shredded
24 flour tortillas (whole wheat tortillas can be used too.)

Scramble eggs until done; stir in cooked sausage, salsa, and cheese. Warm tortillas in microwave 20-30 seconds or until warm and flexible. Place 1/2-3/4 cup of the egg mixture into the tortilla; roll burrito style. Freeze burritos in a single layer on a cookie sheet lined with wax paper. When fully frozen wrap burritos individually and place in a zip-top freezer bag; freeze. To serve: unwrap burritos from foil or plastic wrap and wrap in a paper towel. Cook in microwave until heated through or thaw burritos, wrap in foil, and bake at 350 degrees for ten minutes.

I used Italian Style Ground Turkey instead of sausage, added some hash browns, and forgot the salsa. I haven't had one yet. I hope they're good.



The chocolate cake I made is the same recipe as I used for these. The Buttercream Frosting came out of the KitchenAid Stand Mixer cookbook too. It was so simple.

1/3 cup butter, softened
1/4 cup cream
1 tsp vanilla
1/4 tsp salt
4 cups powdered sugar, divided

Put butter in mixer bowl and mix until creamy. Add cream, vanilla, salt, and 1 cup powdered sugar. Mix for about 2 minutes or until well blended. Scrape bowl. Gradually add remaining 3 cups of powdered sugar and mix until well blended. Add milk, 1 tsp at a time, if necessary. Beat until smooth.

I made the cake for my friend and co-worker, Twyla. She just graduated last weekend from the University of Wyoming with a Bachelor's Degree in Social Science. She did all her classes online. I'm so proud of her! I asked her what she wanted and she said she wanted me to bake. For some reason she thinks I'm a good cook and every time something comes up that should involve gifts (birthdays, etc.) I ask her what she wants and she always asks me to cook. She is delusional. Unfortunately, the cake turned out pretty ugly, but I think she'll still like it. I also made the Sugar Donut Muffins for her. They turned out ok.


The recipe for the Sugar Donut Muffins is here.



The Meatball Sub Casserole recipe can be found here.



I was going to make my baby sister a cake because she graduates this weekend with an Associate's Degree in Human Services, but I am all baked out! I was going to make a chocolate/cream roll (like a jelly roll) and make it look like a diploma. I'll try to do it Friday because I don't have to work.

"When baking, follow directions. When cooking, go by your own taste." ~ Laiko Bahrs

"Noncooks think it's silly to invest 2 hours' work in two minutes' enjoyment; but if cooking is evanescent, so is the ballet." ~ Julia Child

Sick

Pacen is sick, which rarely happens. He has tonsillitis. Poor thing. I feel so bad because there is only so much I can do for his pain. He is doing better today, but last night he kept crying and saying, "My throat hurts!" I couldn't give him medicine because I'd already given him what I could and I had to wait a few hours before I could give him more. I hate only being able to help in a limited way when my "baby" is hurt or sick. I just want to be able to quickly take the pain away. I'm so glad he doesn't get sick very often. (The first time he ever got the flu was when he was 5. Yup, 5.) It's easy to tell when he's getting sick because he gets so quiet and just sits on the couch. Usually he talks non-stop and is bouncing off the walls. Well, this morning I decided to make him a smoothie to help soothe his throat (the Dr. said cold helps). I made him the smoothie I make myself almost every morning (I made a much smaller version...about 1/3 of what I normally make). I don't remember where I got the recipe for it so I'll just call it Brooke's Breakfast Smoothie.



Brooke's Breakfast Smoothie

1 cup Diet Berry Blend V8 Splash
1/2 - 3/4 cup Fat-Free Vanilla Yogurt (Dannon is the only brand I can find that makes this, but then again, I live in the middle of nowhere.)
4-6 frozen strawberries.

Put all the ingredients in a blender or in a Magic Bullet Blender Cup (I love my Magic Bullet) and blend for approximately 20-30 seconds. If you feel it's too thick then you can add more V8.

Yup, it's that easy. That's why I make this smoothie...it's delicious and quick (I'm usually running late in the mornings).

"The greatest wealth is health." ~Virgil

Mother's Day

So, as everyone knows, yesterday was Mother's Day. What a day it was. Early in the afternoon my basement flooded. What a mess. It wasn't a major flood and it didn't cover the whole basement, but it was bad enough. Tonight we are going to "snake" my basement drains and hopefully clear up the problem. The day did manage to get better. I went to my parent's and had dinner. My grandparents from Missouri (mom's parent's) and a cousin and his wife were on their way to Harrison to spend a week and they showed up around 7:00. We sat around and visited for a while and by the time I went to bed last night I was in a much better mood.

One of my favorite things about being a mom is the homemade gifts I receive from Pacen. This year at school they made "snow globes" with flowers in them. They make the neatest things. I love to see the look on Pacen's face as I open his homemade gifts. He's always so proud of the work he did...and so am I!

Here is a picture of the "snow globe". He chose yellow to make the butterfly because he knows that is my favorite color. He's so thoughtful and sweet!


I also had to get myself a gift. Hey, I think I deserve it. Anyway, here is a picture of what I got myself!



The silhouette is Pacen (with a mohawk)! I saw these in my new Better Homes and Gardens magazine and I just had to have one! They are made out of antique curtain rings. I thought they were awesome! I also got one for my best friend, Sunny. She has a little girl named Autumn. If you are interested in purchasing a custom silhouette necklace go here.

"Motherhood - the hardest job you'll ever love." ~ unknown

"A mother is she who can take the place of all other but whose place no one else can take." ~ Cardinal Mermillod

"Mothers of little boys work from son up to son down." ~ unknown